Stepping Away To See the Forest from the Trees

For someone that never quits, I was about to quit for the 2nd time in less than two years. 18 months earlier I’d given up swimming. Now, I was sitting on a park bench somewhere in London on a work trip, completely overwhelmed, unhealthy, dosed up on antidepressants and feeling like a complete failure. As I sat there, I  formed my resignation letter and prepared to change path again.

That was 2013, but I can still remember the feeling like it was yesterday. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where your life circumstances aren’t what you want expected them to be? A place where you’ve lost your joy and enthusiasm for what you do or even who you are? If you have, you’ll know what I’m talking about. It’s not an experience I’d wish on anyone.

Shortly after quitting my job in software in 2013 and then moving to Dubai, I learned that my life circumstances are a result of a series of decisions and actions (or inaction) that have compounded over weeks, months, or years. Good or bad. You can trace everything you’ve experienced back to a choice, decision, action, or lack of action somewhere in your past. Luck and chance play a role, for sure. But wherever you are today, you made a choice, a decision, took action or failed to take action somewhere on your journey. The outcome of which brought you what you are at this very moment in time.

I had a very hard time swallowing that concept when I first heard it. So if that idea feels uncomfortable to you, or you want to fight me on it, that’s ok. That’s because more often than not, our unhappy experiences come as a result of INaction rather than by way of intentional decisions.

More often than not we go down a path that doesn’t bring happiness when we fail to take action on a plan, or keep quiet when we should speak up for what we really want. The failure to take the first step in the direction we want to go, means we end up taking a step in a direction we don’t actually want travel in. As those steps add up and compound, we quickly end up sitting on a park bench a long way from where we want to be, dosed up on antidepressants and feeling like a complete failure.

Failures are only really failures if you don’t learn your lessons.

12 months ago I started to see the early signs of trouble brewing up again. Thankfully, I learned my lesson on that park bench because while I can’t say I felt anything like I did back in 2013, I could feel I was starting to trend in the wrong direction. I felt myself moving towards dissatisfaction more than satisfaction. I could feel myself starting to burn out, grow cynical and lose curiosity and enthusiasm for my job and training.

But, I love what I do. I love coaching, I love helping people develop & grow both as athletes and as people. I know for sure it’s what I want to do with my time and energy. Quitting coaching like I quit software in 2013 wasn’t the answer. Thankfully I caught the problem early enough that I didn’t need a drastic solution.

As I had learned, years earlier, my circumstances are a result of a series of decisions and actions (or inaction) that have compounded over weeks, months or years. So now I needed to start making some changes to adjust the results of those choices and re-calibrate my direction.

So last year I began to change the way I think about and how I structure my days. I started to change the way I did things. I altered my wake up and sleep schedules, I changed up my diet and meals. I adapted how I allocated time in my day as well as how I was coaching & interacting with my athletes. I worked on being flexible with my training and tried to be more social.

To an extent it worked. I had some big wins and great experiences last year, but at the end of 2022 I still felt flat, like I was burning out and most alarmingly, like I was uninspired to grow and develop.

Einstein said “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking that we used to create them”, so while the subtle changes had been effective to an extent, I knew there was more work to do.

Then, in December I decided to do something I haven’t really ever done;

I disconnected from everything for 2 full weeks.

I let all my clients know I was going to be taking a break. I laid out their plans & focuses in advance and communicated it all with them. On December 15th I closed out of my computer and went missing on holiday.

– No emails.

– No WhatsApp messages.

– I even disconnected & logged off of my personal TrainingPeaks Premium account.

I am sure there are some people who would find this easy. I am not one of them.

The first few days were filled with guilt and anxiety; not exactly the sort of emotions you want to be harboring when you go on holiday!

But slowly I started to let go. As I did, I started to sleep better. I started to smile more. Genuine smiles.

I began to be more helpful to the people around me, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. I started to feel more creative. My inspiration and enthusiasm started to build up again. Life, relationships, work, training all started to fit together a little better in my mind. I started to see the forest instead of being fixated on one individual tree.

I’m grateful I had the courage to step away.

Like I said, I am sure there are some people who would find that easy. I am not one of them. But I found the balls to do it. I’m equally as grateful for a Team SwimFast and the DoZA Coaching crew for giving me there support and the flexibility to step away. For showing me grace as I work on myself and making me proud as they demonstrated autonomy in being able to navigate their training and focuses by themselves for a period of time.

Stepping away was hard. But it was by far the best choice I could have made for myself at the end of last year. I am beginning 2023 with new ideas, new projects and goals, a different vision and updated systems. I’m excited.