“The Privilege of Being Single & Without Kids”

Listening to a podcast this morning I heard a guest say “that’s the privilege of being single & having no kids”.

For context, the conversation centered around; quitting his job. Without any plan. And ultimately starting his own business. Something that would be far more difficult with a partner and kids in the mix.

That line jumped out at me. It highlights the inherent tension between two very common core values; family & freedom.

Relationships require time and energy. There’s a sharing, sacrificial element to any successful partnership. There’s a time and financial responsibility built in to good parenting too. In the right mix, both the life long partner and children will bring joy and fulfillment to a life.

At the same time we can argue that they detract from your ability to make big changes. Depending on circumstances, they can restrict freedom to choose any path. They lock you in. Choosing one path takes alternate options off the table. That’s a good thing, I think. Commitment and sacrifice only “limit” you to the degree in which you place value on your partner or family.

For many people I’ve coached, talked and observed the value of freedom vs family can come into “conflict”. I’m starting to work through this conflict in my life. I think that’s healthy at times in our journey through life.

For years, I’ve valued freedom. Most of my decisions have been intentionally made with my future viewed through the lens of freedom. I am married, so I have some “constraints”. But I value my marriage far beyond those constraints. Outside of Carla, I have a very high degree of autonomy over my time, business and finances.

I can train 20-30hrs a week if I want. We could move to a different country if we chose to. I could start a completely different business if that became something I wanted.

But now there’s a curiosity about family which could impact those freedoms. It’s curiosity right now. The question is, would the change bring more joy?

Similarly, I’ve worked with people that value or chose family. They don’t have the “privilege” of freedom the podcast guest spoke of. They have relationships, or kids, or lifestyles that “force” them to keep doing a job they no longer enjoy. Or living in a city they no longer love.

I meet these people when they start to look for excitement or a challenge. They get curious about triathlon, or dive straight in and sign up for an Ironman. Many of them then endlessly struggle to find the hours in a week to consistently commit to training and often feel like they are “falling behind”. If they had more freedom, would more training or flexibility bring joy?

There’s no single right answer.

Happiness lies in living out the things we value, our values. We find frustration or sadness in the gap between values & our actions. When we are in that gap, happiness is either achieved by reducing the gap between what we have and what we want. Or, alternatively it’s found in the acceptance and peace of the things we can’t, or won’t change.

Your freedom may be “limited” to the degree in which you place value on family.

Your family experience may be “limited” to the degree in which you place value on your freedom.

You get to choose.